just a spillage of a pent-up outburst

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disclaimer: this would be an outburst from someone who feels like DID NOT have any place to talk.

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"I feel so alone and abandoned. I feel underestimated. Like, I did not have some dignity. I feel people disrespected me. What is actually the problem? is it all in my head or is it really happening? I feel so empty. I have nowhere to go. I have no home. What is home, anyway? 

Why do I feel like people take me for granted? am I too kind or too dumb? I am unable to decide things quickly which makes me seem so unprofessional and stupid. My biggest enemy now is procrastination. I might say, I blame perfectionism, but I cannot justify letting that win. I am going to take over myself, to make the best out of it. 

I have a lot in my mind and my heart, but I can't pour it into the form of a release? it seemed heavy and full to the point it is not going to be... emanate. I feel like I did not take my life seriously and so is everyone towards me. I laugh and joke a lot, to spread laugh. I want people to be happy and laugh around me, but I forgot myself. I forgot to make myself happy. I forgot to make myself laugh. I forgot to take care of myself. 

Sometimes, I even envied pets. Seems weird, but some of them are lucky enough to be loved. to be taken care of. Their growth, their food, their care. Even, if they do have vitamins to be consumed which is a way to make sure they are well. but me? nothing. nothing I do and get. 

I'm all alone and I, myself still abandoned it. What the f*ck am I doing?

I was put at first to be the problem-solver. I was put in a place I am incapable of living in, yet. 

I was thinking my growing-up life would become someone who is in their 20s driving to work, have enough funds to take care of all of my self-care, and pursuing whatever I want. However, in fact, I am now just a dull-witted lady who is stupid, uncommitted, unprofessional, unkind, incapable, and all things worst possible. I am someone people cannot count on. I am that useless. I think people are tired of me too.

What should I do?"

I know you just need someone to listen. However, can answer your one and only question?

Here is my response,

    Know yourself. I think you already did your best to pour all your emotions, your pent-up outbursts, and your thoughts. Now it's time to know yourself deeper. I know you deep down want to fight and win, don't you?

    I'm here praying all good things happen to you. However, I am not going to sugarcoat things. Let me remind you, if it's hard then, you're on track. Also, there will be things out of your control. So what to do? Just take care of things you can control. You will make it.