do you really want to do it? or not?

ok, let's get to the point. (lol)

I am sure that every individual in this universe has, at least once, impulsively doing something due to a strong urge that mostly happened because they have seen someone else do it. It can be anything. Buying food, clothes, books, phone, laptop, bicycle, or anything just to fulfill the newest trend (well, i hope it'll be good for their new habit). don't worry, it happened to me, often hahaha. I went from someone who saw something on social media (read: food, books) then 1 hour later would deff buy it through online shopping (pls be mindful of your m-banking!). that's it. bad bad bad. well, not really if you do it only once a month.

And now.... i am in the middle of being impulsive about doing something. 

As an early-20s-persona, my surroundings are constantly changing, evolving, and ...varied. It gives you a glimpse of confusion sometimes IF you haven't built your own walls. means, you're like fallen leaves, it goes to wherever the wind blows. If you have already had those walls, then you're lucky and good for you. Being someone who hasn't built walls yet, it is greatly confusing. I can be easily influenced (we called it here, Latah). Just because someone does it, buy it, wear it, there is going to be a whisper:

"OH, you should do it too! they have it already! they do it already! they wear it already! why don't you?"

omg omg omg omg, I hate those demons!

However, most of the time, my angels would deff come up to defend me. If it expressed in a picture, it would be like this:

       made with canva 

They may be talking, or even arguing? hahaha. so, yes, perhaps i did not find myself yet. I am still in the process where i could find more materials to build my walls. the end.

no no, im kidding. not yet

yorobun, i have several urges that actually i was not sure. Do i really wanted it because of me or i wanted it because someone else do it or i wanted it because i wanted compliments like someone else received from me (so, my mindset was "i want to receive a compliment from someone else like i did to someone, get it?) hhhh super duper pooper baffling.

Then i started to ruminate ...1 2 3

i wrote a list of my wishes, and i started to let myself choose. I talked to myself (like literally talks!!) and yes, i found it. 

There are several points that i thought it was just not really my urge, i simply wanted it because i think if i do it, i become super duper cool. But, it might be just that.. compliments, but not for myself. well, it is good honestly, but i am going to be someone that is not myself... in other words, i just imitating them. In short, i want it just to get compliments, full stop. SO, NEXT.

Next point is, well this point is actually perfect if i do it seriously. However, once again. I already did it, but i think i did it because i do not want to feel "lost" by not doing it. So, i was on fire only at the beginning, now.. it was more like dimmed. But not vanished. Maybe i want to do it, just the wrong time to start. (At least, i have the basis already hahahaha)

Last point, ok. This is my fav part, cause i have been attached to this dream, like 15 years ago, i suppose. It is like already bound into myself. When i was doing it, it feels like "OH YEAH! this is me! i love me!". But (again) sadly i have some things that i thought i should have to fix before i plunge into those dreams. really.. but this point, is the ultimate and the genuine urge that i have since i was 5yo. And i don't care about compliments, i don't care about people saying, and lastly ...i want it because i wanted it.

So, the key is communication yea hahaha. Talk to myself, ask to myself, answer myself. Ok, after you read this, you may think i am weird, cause i ask and answer it simultaneously. sorry, my bad.

As the title, do you really want to do it? or not? -- on myself, i've found it. If you really want to do it, you will work and reach for it, by fulfilling several matters that you think likely will intercept you from reaching your dreams.

Ruminate. Ruminate. Talk. Talk. Jot down. Write Down. Make a list. Talk. Decide. -- This also helps me to construct my walls, even though it is not yet formed, but i enjoy and appreciate the process. I hope, i also can set my limit to not easily be influenced😞, predominantly when it comes to buying food!

Lastly, do not forget to set a meeting with yourself at least once a week, it is FUN!