It came from a series of events I have been dealing with these past years.
Rejection, Misjudgement, and Subjugation.
Might be hard to tell the periodic tales of these series, but most of the current events have brought me to the realization of trauma results, mostly childhood.
I'm glad that I'm still alive today by realizing I still have time to WIN the war. too hot to die young, I'd say.
Indeed, it needs a thousand seconds to realize it is painful and destructive. Rage, fighting, Argues, Insecurities, Hatred, and even puking have been on my historical file in case someone wants to create a biopic called:
"One Reason to still alive: being HOT"
As I am still continuing to live while striving to be problem-free (which is impossible), I've tried several ways to eliminate what could possibly maim myself henceforward. I met people. like, literally, meeting people whether they are new or old friends/colleagues or just a random person I've met on MRT. I could say I'm proud of myself cause I can easily talk to unknown individuals, while it might be dangerous cause what would happen if I talked to a serial killer? witch? POI? As long as I still can write now, all is well.
I started to join some communities, whether Dog Shelters, Running Clubs, or even Dating Apps (well the latter was not a community, more a place where you admit your loneliness). Well, I can admit I've got several advanced POVs mostly about life and not necessarily from what they talk about but from the way they behave. I'm glad for that. However, to do what I do, there is one skill you might be expert on; don't get too attached. (let's talk about that other time)
There's this one person I thought had gone the similar matters to me, so we were sharing the same theme in our discussion, mostly it's about Life but the painful part. To summarize, we went through a similar childhood trauma which resulted in several matters in our adulthood.
One thing I could easily turn into a bold writing style is,
focus on what you can control instead of things you can't or aren't capable of.
Well, it sounds boring and usual to some people, but to me at that moment, it wakes me up. Why? cause in most moments, I only focus on what-if scenarios and drown in a sea of regrets - with the minimum ability to solve and move forward. Also, I always blame things out of my control and situations. maybe, my Perfectionism trait partakes in those moments - let's talk about it later.
Until today, I still got hurt and perhaps hurt someone else too. However, life is like that. Painful things always exist, it's just how we handle, manage, and treat those to is not the main reason for self-destruction. Remember, focus on what you can control, cause why would you not? are you ok with your time spent in an unalterable state?
While maybe you can do what I do by joining into several unknown-individuals circles, you can try Youtube-ing to help you figure out your life questions, in this case, hurting yourself. If you are Indonesian who speaks Indonesian, can try to watch Marissa Anita. I love her ideas, I love the way she talks. She is my role model starting now.
And, don't forget to gauge your expectations. Your biggest enemy is yourself. Set a proper and reasonable expectation, not too high and not too low. clear your objectives, eliminate what-if (bad) questions, and grow your wings.
"What If it fails? try again."
"what if it succeeds? go farther"
So, do you still want to hurt yourself now? WHY tho? your own self is the best thing you have now. Thank yourself now and focus on things you can control, okay?
See you at another time.
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