an invisible pain

the only pain i love about is PAINting. that's it. more than that? ergggh did not even hope for it to appear on the surface. no.

however, pain is always there. there. in your soul & body specifically. we did not choose, but we did have that. both physically and mentally. it is just, there.

when "pain" crossed my mind, the only thing i thought was... is it real? i mean, when you were falling onto the floor and bleeding, it was the physical pain. but, how about the invisible? did you just feel it? did it affect your abdomen? did it affect your focus? or did you just simply hurt?

all in all for me personally, Pain is when you lose yourself. you don't know who you are. you don't even know how to live. you lose grip. it is all blank.

when you think about curing it, how can it be possible when you do not even know why and what? or maybe it is possible to find out why and what first?

losing oneself oftentimes happens to most of the people, but the difference is how they treat it, handle it, or be fine with it. It can be temporary or even permanent, up to you. I hope it is only temporary, since losing part of your existence is not nice at all.

when someone is losing their selves, do they only question why or resign themselves to their current circumstances? I did the second one, previously.

Do you know what i think atm? i thought someone will come to save me! HAHA, gotcha! A BIG MISTAKE! I was that someone who raise a white flag above my head expecting someone or a miracle will appear by just standing poorly on the edge of a cliff. I kept questioning, blaming, and destructing myself with my own evil scenario (which was unbelievably dramatic) and made myself wretched even more!

Imagine, deep inside you know you can do something but choose violence to destroy yourself with your own unrealistic-evil mind resulting in nonsense! what a dramatic bitvh. but still, i know i'm in Pain.

After a dramatic plays come to an end, i was then questioning why. why did i lose myself? why did i had the courage to create those evil scenarios? why?

it was me. I was the one who allowed myself to un-filtering horrible matters. maybe i was too scared. maybe i was too lazy. maybe i did not have good time management resulting in those jumbling minds. maybe i did not know how to communicate well. i never had a bad intention, but how i deliver it, maybe it was not well.

Ok stop. listen, i was NOT blaming myself. no. it was all probabilities. but, the Pain was real. it hurts. there was a probability that your childhood memories affect you? yes, but no further explanation.

I started to find a way out. starting to fully rely on myself. starting to believe me as someone who is capable, starting to make my own decisions with its responsibilities. starting to eat healthy but not too healthy food lol, starting to ignore negative thoughts, starting with planning a good deep sleep. YES. i haven't had a good deep sleep since years ago! then, scheduling things with a desire to fix my time management also. Trying to be a more attentive, focusing on what i'm doing (previously i did not have any focus while doing things - blank)

but there is this one thing I'm still scared to do, reconnecting with peers. that Pain has affected my social needs! I'm still scared of getting ignored, scared to maybe turn out as that one annoying person, as that you-don't-get-it interlocutor, as that ugly-looking friend who is not even possible to be posted on, as that one not-cool-enough to be a friend of, etc. (see? i do still have these evil scenarios, omg!)

Ok Ok. no prob. along the way, I believe i will be better, greater and healthier self. to me and to others. but let's start with ourselves first la.

I've realized, that Pain cannot be cured but can be treated well and boom, benign.

one thing I've learned is that it all starts with yourself, how you handle things, how you respect yourself, how you feed yourself, how good sleep you have, and how time management you have. and it will affect A LOT of matters in your life including your love life! (don't forget to love and live, Ok?)

pain and problems are part of life, remember there will be spices in every good food? unless you prefer tasteless food, oh no! so there will be those two, but unknown time, where, and why. Just remember, God will never give you any kinds of things you are not capable of!

respect and believe yourself but please with no any non-senses and evil scenarios! but with enormous eagerness to rise and shine! let's go, hun!

remember: i write claptrap, so if you find my story is un-well written, remember it is claptrap.