unconscious envy

hi, it's been a while~

well, I was considering pouring this piece of mind on Mar 21. however, life sucks, huh? ups and downs, and up again, down again, and up, down, up, down till I don't know what else gonna happen.

you could agree with me if you are in the mid-20s, when we are going to talk about unconscious envy or roughly jealousy we are going through seeing our friends, acquaintances, even stranger with similar ages having "more" than us. 

back to envy & jealousy, I guess I need to define it precisely. Some might define it differently than me, up to you. However, for me, envy is simply softer than jealousy. hahaha. I feel that when we use jealousy is just... you are going to strike a war hahaha. ok, imma using envy instead, although that doesn't mean better, somehow it fits my current issue.

envy is just a word consisting of four alphabets that mean someone is feeling discontented/resentful towards someone else's luck/qualities/achievements and I am one-hundred-percent sure, everyone will or already has that in their life, totally. Is that fine? hmm, I doubt it but is ok, it depends on HOW you are going to stir that. you wanted to feel just bad or made yourself a go-getter.

when we were a child, i guess we already had that kind of feeling. 

when you had this toy, but your friends had the better one

when you had those solid-color bags, but your friends had gaudy bags

when you had those less-branded shoes, but your friends had more popular-branded shoes

etc, etc, etc.

actually, i don't even know if that is a normal thing or not. but I guess, that is part of normal living, right? competing, comparing, or maybe fulfilling standards which i don't even understand why it's existed and who made that lol.

but hey, we are in this globalized society where social media is the core of most people's life. the existence of social media which at first was intended to connect people, to make friends, to make people feel that the world is THAT SPACIOUS, turned into this boxing ring where people can fight, can compete in "i have this better than you, i had this expensive thing so i think you cant afford because im rich", can say whatever they wanted, can post whatever they wanted, can do anything stupid until i don't know what, cause human can be sooooooo unpredictable. 

not forgetting to say, social media can be a paradise for some people that seek healing, look for kind words, look for how to do yoga, look for how to cook omelets, or just simply look for cute animal videos. depends. (but me choosing k-dramas, foreign movies, nation-wide movies, work video blog, study vlog, living-alone video blog are the best)

but yeah, human is unpredictable, including me (i am not an alien yet). even when looking for some kind of videos, words, or content, sometimes this envy just... turned up, you know. thinking that how people can be that successful? beautiful? healthy? busy but fine? smart? proper? and etc. I just don't know. I guess, that was the human's instinct to feel that?????? but why? does society make it? does this globalized society make it? if yes, back in ancient times, did they feel envy too, toward others? hmmm.

sometimes i blame social media, but sometimes it helps me to feel not lonely because i chat with people, I e-talked to people, but sometimes it dropped me into the deepest hell on earth (re: feeling pathetic).

I contemplate for a while, sometimes avoiding people on social media, made myself nowhere-to-be-found, but suddenly wanted to be known, wanted validation, wanted attention. it just... mixed up. 

turns out, that was me. ME. 

i did not have my own stronghold. I was letting myself follow the wicked schemes to kill myself. i let myself feel envy towards someone else's luck. i let myself have this feeling of... "if i have that, i will look better", "their life is so lucky, and me?", "I'm ugly", "i don't deserve to have existed, because I'm useless", etc, etc. I was the one who planned to kill myself. I was the one who allowed myself to hate myself for not having what people have (this is basically the craziest because why on earth feel that when i don't even know what people going through). 

I was the one who let myself drop into the deepest hell on earth. it was me. it is me.

so, what's next?

i plan to coup d'état the wicked part. and living the less-normal life because the normal one suck.

i plan to be a better go-getter, cause the previous one was failed cause i just sat there thinking, thinking, expecting, fantasizing, without doing any better. stupid.

i plan to un-stupid myself.

i plan to avoid unconscious envy.

Note: you can disagree with me, whatever you want.