I was my own Villain

hola amigos para siempre! wie geht's? 

haven't written anything (and didn't have any courage and energy to shed any mind content to pour into) for a while, since life getting more exciting! (re: complicated)

well, as i am searching for what is wrong and what is right for me, it is indeed back-breaking for me as i got stuck on whatever am i doing lately.  i dont know if it was only me, but pretty sure people who went thru the same age or phase as me might feel similar. 

at first, i got very organized since i was planning well the incoming DOs but got demotivated whilst in the middle of the time. honestly, i know that DOs may be good for me as im doing it continuously, but that feeling of loss came and got me stuck. it made me rest (but for an unmeasurable time). However, my other side seems curious and tried to break the walls by searching for the cause.

i visualized myself divided into two parts, the A and the B. 

The A is the dominating one since it obtained more from me. It helps me live and build and pioneered myself to be or to make something I wanted to. It is the dominating one, but it is also the fragile one. If it was cotton candy, once you get wet. you're done. lost. well, you can be cotton candy again though undergo some difficult and complex processes first. Yes. That was my first side. The A. 

The B is the least dominating since it only received the remaining from The A. It served the team hooray for the A and the rest. It is less strong, but not weak. If The A helps me live, The B helps me recover. 

ooooo wait, did i say before the A was like cotton candy right? so The B helps you be the strong one once you got lost? no...t exactly.

The B... i am so proud of having The B in myself. IT really fights my fragile side. The B is like the strongest vitamin I've got to continue my will to live. It was not helping me to be a strong one once i got lost, but it helps me to get rid of the fragile side and urge me to find the cause of the fragile A. I called The B as Investigator now.

The operation called "Grinding A" started. 

Agent: The B

Objectives: 

• find the cause of the fragileness.
• the reason why
• environment plays a part?

is not much, but i have to say when you're diving into yourself to get to know more about you, it is acutely hard.

no need to worry, hard does not mean you can't. need more struggles, haha.

First, find the cause of the fragileness. actually, that was weird. as a human being, you indeed have those kinds of sides lol! no matter how strong-looks you are. The B starts this ops by defining my life of me since i was born. IT WAS LONG! hahahaha. The B needs to write down, reminiscing every moment i've gone thru even the bad ones! as The B dive into, some moments trigger me to feel ashamed, feel sorry, feel embarrassed, feel stupid, feel useless for the foolishness I've done to myself or someone else. On this phase, (what i am grateful for) i got a chance to apologize or just revive my connection to my friends. Besides the BADs, some moment also triggers me to feel the bliss, the ambitch energy, the hot fire in me when i achieved something. It got me rekindling my young spirit, and yes also helps me to re-structured the broken spirit.

long story short, The B made it to the final. The cause.

It is a trauma. childhood trauma to be exact. I was a happy child, but sometimes the environment did not support me. I got plunged as my environment (mostly) oppressed me. So, every time The A being a builder, The A also got me fainted cause the environment used to domineer. the fragile side comes out as they used to feel that, making me think that i was not going to make it.

The A also creates a space for high expectations. As I got out from the trauma-maker environment, I was being a (very) hard worker to make those who underestimate me, lose. 

it's Revenge. 

So, once i got something planned, i started to put high expectations as i wanted to make people say "wow" to me. 

I want to be the winner. I wanted to win. 

Well, it was not wrong. And.. It was not right.

I was not wrong for being a hard worker. But, i was not right for doing everything, not for myself. 

Turns out, i was my own villain. 

So, when there is a question, why not them?

No. it is not them. They indeed can do whatever they wanted, BUT me. I can do what i need to, to rescue and keep myself safe and sane by accepting myself, being kind to myself, yes.

Hmmm. It was very hard at first, to accept the WHYs. 

Life must go on, right? What is important now is, how i can maximize the remaining chances and capacity to completely be grateful and useful. It is not easy, but i put my faith in the processes.

Lastly, 

for me, the best revenge is NOT taking any revenge. Fulfill yourself completely, help those in need, be kind to others and then you'll be fine.

Note: Please ignore every context you feel not important.